Stressing Rather than Sleeping
It’s been a very long week. For reasons unknown to me, I haven’t been able to sleep very well this past week. I’d lay down at 10pm and still be up at midnight. I’d get up, walk around, use the washroom, lay back down and half sleep, half rest until 2am before doing it all over again. By the time I have to be up in order to take my kid to school, I am in zombie mode. He didn’t even make it to school one day because I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed until lunchtime, and he was late to school by 40 minutes the following day. It’s a very tiring thing to be dealing with.
I am trying to sort out the whys and hows of my lack of sleep. A lot of it is because of stress. I’m stressed about a lot of things: my kids, my health, my father, my job hunt. In all honesty, I am surprised I haven’t found any gray hairs yet from all my stressing and worrying.
I have decided I may be able to sleep better if I drive down to say goodbye to my father. Just get it over and done with; that way, no one will be able to hound me about not seeing him and I can get two people off my back about it.
However, I am faced with the decisions of when to go down, how to get down there, and if my kids should accompany me. Tomorrow would probably be the best day to do, however, it’s all my daughter’s 3rd birthday. Do I really want to give up my day with her to spend it with someone who regrets even knowing me? Do I drive myself down there or allow my stepfather to drive me? It’s a 4 hour drive, one way, and I have never driven anything that far in my life by myself. However, it would be great practice…unless I end up squished on the side of the road from a semi. (Do semis even drive on Sundays?)
Then I have to decide if my kids are going to go. They never met my father. They have no idea who the man even is. It may be nice to introduce them to my father, at least once, however I am worried they might get scared of him because of the state he might be in. They have never been around someone with tubes coming out of their nose and throat. Besides, like I said, it’s a 4 hour drive, and they never been in a car that long before. Plus, being my daughter’s birthday, spending 8 hours in a car for it doesn’t sound all that lovely. I’m leaning towards letting them stay home with my mom. My dad didn’t want to get to know his grandchildren when he walked away from me, so why should I let that change now that he is dying? (And still hasn’t asked to see them, really.)
So, I wonder if I see him if I will sleep better. All these questions are the ones that float around in my head when I am suppose to be sleeping. If I decide, then maybe it will leave me alone and let me sleep peacefully at night. Or at least, until I find something new to stress about.