10 Reasons I Know I Would Never Make It as a House Wife

by loveandothercrap

  1. I do not and can not cook. I’m a pro with a microwave, but once we break out the pots and pans, I’m pretty dark hopeless. I have started a fire in my oven while cooking chicken! I have burned mashed potatoes and noodles. I miss more steps in a recipe than anyone I ever met. More often than not, my boxed meals turn out just okay. I’m honestly surprised I have not poisoned my children and I with my cooking.
  2. Laundry and I do not work well together. I have turned a lot of white clothes pink. Not really great when you have a son who has to wear a white uniform shirt to school every day. Not really great when you have to dress up for some meeting or interview with screwed up white dress shirts. I’m not too worried about the underwear or socks I have turned pink though. There is always that one random sock in the basket that I miss that will cause so much trouble.
  3. I hate cleaning. I spend more time moving stuff around than actually cleaning. I spend more time fighting with my vacuum cleaner than vacuuming. I spend more time reading the various household cleaner bottles than really utilizing them. Not to mention, I am too short to reach all the spider webs that sit in the corner of my wall and ceiling.
  4. I’m afraid of spiders. If there is one in the kitchen, I will take my children and eat out. If there is one in the bathroom, I’ll hold my bladder for as long as humanly possible then pee with my eyes closed and pray it doesn’t try to eat me. I do take showers if there is a spider in the bathtub because I have to remove my glasses, so I cannot see the spider. If I see one in killing reach, I’ll just throw my shoe at it and hope it causes enough harm or have Boy Child hammer it to death.
  5. I am a mess when it comes to using tools and changing light bulbs. I know it’s righty tighty and lefty loosy, but for reasons unknown to me, shit just does not want to work. (Though I did manage to change my bedroom light bulb all by myself today… after 30 minutes of trying. I couldn’t reach it properly!)
  6. I’m never going to budge on the “In the event that I cook, you do dishes” mindset. But I don’t like doing dishes… or cook. Suppose I could flip a coin each day.
  7. By the end of the day, once the kids are in bed and asleep, I am about ready to join them. Does not leave me with much time for “adult” time. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.) …As I write this post at 11:30pm.
  8. I forget to put the TP on the TP holder roll. Also I couldn’t care less what way it goes once I do get it on the roll. It may go over, it may go under. Suck my right tit if it’s the wrong way.
  9. I kick and talk in my sleep. I have also been told I grind my teeth in my sleep. I am probably not fun sleeping next to each night.
  10. I don’t put things where they are suppose to sometimes. Important things end up where they need to be, like milk and my keys. But forget about the socks or underwear making their way back into the underwear/sock drawer. My phone has ended up in the sofa on more than one occasion. My TV remote has been missing since the beginning of time. Don’t even ask me where my pillow has run off too. I’m currently using a Thomas the Train pillow because I think the boogyman stole mine. Coats never make it into the coat closet. I’d probably misplace my kids in the house at times if they didn’t have legs and minds of their own.
Please note, I am not married. I do not plan to ever marry. I was just thinking about all this today while I was cleaning.