The Things Baby Books Don’t Mention

by loveandothercrap

When I first became pregnant with my oldest, I told myself this parenting thing would be fairly easy. I watched my two stepsisters dealing with it over the past few years, so I thought I knew it wrong. That was until the first night home from the hospital and I learned there’s a crap ton of stuff no one bothers to tell you about parenting.

  • You will learn to become a ninja. If you want to use the bathroom in peace, you best sneak off quickly and quietly while the children’s attention is focused on something other than you. You want that candy bar? Better find a sound proof closet or wait until after they are in bed!
  • You will find having an adult conversation is a God-send…and a chore. If I am trying to talking on the phone with my mother or a friend, nine times out of ten I will have a kid or two run up to me and scream, “I want to talk!!!” With the introduction of social media, keeping in touch with friends is slightly easier, but it’s really not the same as talking on a phone or in person. Also, do not count on having a lot of time for your friends or social life. You are going to be dead tired by the time your kids are in bed and you are “free.” A lot of times I end up falling asleep with them!
  • Children are tiny tornadoes! Do not expect to have a spotlessly clean house when you have a toddler on your hand. I have found myself cleaning around in circles. I clean one thing up, turn around to clean something else up, and when I return a new item will be placed (thrown) where I just was. It’s tiring. Also, your child will find something you love or cherish and proceed to break it. My favorite necklace now sits in my jewelry box, broken in half, because my son managed to climb up onto our dresser and pull it apart.
  • Do not expect to leave the house immediately when you plan to leave the house. If you are bringing your kids along, you will learn you need to pack up a bag to bring along, toys, bottles, diapers. And no matter how stocked you keep that bag, something will always be left out of it that you have to track down. If your children are not coming with you, you still won’t be able to leave right away because they will want twenty hugs and kisses before you even make it to the door. Sometimes, if old enough, they might even hide your keys or purse or shoes. Anything to make their Mommy or Daddy stay home a few minutes longer with them.
  • You basically learn a second language when you have a baby and toddler. I never thought I could add Gibberish to my language options. I was the only one who could understand what Abbbahahaleda meant. I spent a lot of times while out translating to strangers, friends, and family alike.
  • The color white is not your friend. I swear, white shirts or pants are like a beacon to toddlers saying, “Wipe your dirty hands, nose, or mouth on me!” It will happen. No matter how careful you try to be, it will happen.
  • Hugs are the cure to all things. My three year old daughter gives the best hugs ever. My son seems to think hugs are stupid and uncool, but whenever I do manage the get one from him, they heal all things that seem to be going wrong in my life.
  • Kissing boo-boos better really does work! I have kissed so many fingers, arms, knees, and noses in the past year and each time the result is the same: it no longer hurts!!

There is a lot more that I was unprepared for and that I picked up over the course of my seven year parenting adventures. I am sure I will learn even more in the near future. It’s a never-ending learning experience.