Dealing with the Aftermath of My Emotions

by loveandothercrap

I thought I wasn’t going to feel any form of grief once my father passed – after all, we weren’t close, we hadn’t spoken for years, etc. I was very wrong.

I am not crippled with the grief. I can smile, laugh, and still care for things that need to be done during the day. I can eat and sleep. I function perfectly fine; if you looked at me, you wouldn’t think I was grieving. However, I do feel as though I lost something in my heart. If I find my mind wandering back to how he looked after he passed or the moment I realized he was flat lined, I do start to tear up. Nothing like the snot nose mess I was in the hospital room though.

I asked my mother if this was normal. Both my grandfathers died, but they were at the end of their life. They had lived long and full lives. My father was only 53 years old. My mom did say it was normal to feel something, some form of grief. She felt it during her father and brother’s deaths. It just shows you are human, that you have a heart and feelings.

Hearing that cheered me up somewhat.

Obviously I know I am not going to be over it in a day, but I like to think I am on the right path. That I am moving forward. I know my father is here with me, somewhere, hopefully watching over me. Though, I do hope he doesn’t follow me in the bathroom or while I am changing.

I am not going to regret or dwell on our damaged past. I cannot change. He cannot change it. I’m just glad I was able to be there at the end with him. He mouthed the words “I love you” to me. He tried to squeeze my hand while I was holding his – though it only came off as a twitch. He was surrounded by his family when he left. I hope he knows that we love him and will remember him for years to come.

I can only look forward from this point forward. Spend time with my kids. Remind my mother I love her. I will try my hardest to do right, by everyone, and try to remember my dad as the person he was when I was a child.


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