Pros/Cons: Do I Go or No?

by loveandothercrap

I just learned my father is in a coma. He has been for the past two days. However, my step-mom didn’t seem to think it was important enough to tell me when I spoke on the phone with her yesterday morning. She left cryptic messages, saying, “This will be your last chance. He is getting worse.” I just thought he was perhaps not responding to the chemo or his cancer was spreading. I didn’t think it meant he was in the ICU, in an induced coma, while on life support. Those are two very different things, are they not?

Now I am faced with deciding if I really want to drive four hours away. I have started a pros and con list. Yes, it might sound horrible, considering he is my father, but it has been 7 years. I buried him, in my mind, about 6 years ago.

Pros:

  • Getting closure, seeing my dad for the last time.
  • Won’t regret not seeing him one last time
  • More closure
  • Be doing it for myself, not for my step-family.

Cons:

  • It won’t be the “chat” he or I wanted.
  • I hate hospitals and seeing dying people
  • Dealing with my horrible step-family: my step-mom emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused me in the past. I highly doubt she would be civil during this time
  • May end up punching my step-mom in the face
  • Don’t want to ruin the memory of my father: how he looked vs. how he looks now
  • Step-mom might be a bitch and not even let me in to see my father, so waste of a 4 hour (one way) trip
  • Again, I DO NOT DO WELL AROUND DYING PEOPLE. I FREAK THE FUCK OUT

I’m really torn about this. My mom told me I should take a few days to think it over. I know if I don’t go down, I will have to end up changing my phone number because I am sure the hate filled abuse I am bound to face from my step-family will cause me another mental breakdown.

Sometimes, I just wish God would send me an answer on a piece of paper. Will I survive visiting and dealing with my step-family or will I have a total melt down and lose myself, yet again?

Of course, it doesn’t help that no one can tell me the name of the hospital he is currently laying in. Because you know, that’s not important to know if you want to drive four hours (one way!) to visit. And I looked…apparently 3 hospitals in the town they say he is in.

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