Supermom Saves the Day. Again.
Growing up as a single child, I didn’t have to worry about brothers or sisters. Therefore, my knowledge of little boys was very slim. When I was four, I accidentally saw my father naked, and ran to ask my mom why he had a thing between his legs. I thought he was dying. Surely his stomach was falling out or something! My mother explained it away, saying, “All daddies have a second belly button that hangs out.” Since I had an innie belly button, clearly this was the outie belly button I heard so much about at day care. My four year old mind took it as fact.
Yeah, I was very sheltered. Totally blew my mind away when my mom gave me the sex talk. Even then, I think she skimmed over a lot of details. All I knew was, the outie belly button was really called a “penis” and boys used it to stick it in a girl’s hooha. Then 9 months later, a baby popped out. I guess that was the 10 year old sex talk, and I never bothered to ask for a better explanation when i was older. School took care of that.
So before I got pregnant, the list of things I knew about boys could be counted on one hand. (I knew enough about them to get pregnant obviously, but I never bothered to understand how boys ticked. I just knew sex was fun!) Their color was blue. They sell cars, trains, dinosaurs, and superheros in the boy’s aisle in the toy sections. They spent as much time, if not more, in the bathroom to get ready for the day – and sometimes needed extra trips to the bathroom to keep themselves looking human! Oh, and they had very runny noses and dry skin because they always needed tissues and lotion.
Anyways, I did a lot of reading about boys. I needed to understand them. I needed to be ready in case he asked me questions about his body or something. I reviewed that information once a year for the past 7 years. Today was that day.
Now, in my mind, I pictured this talk to be sitting down at a table. With charts and books and pictures. And later down the road at a higher age. Not in the bathroom, with his pants down, pee on his face and shirt, with all his manhood on display. At the age of 7.
The kid is in blue. Mom is in pink!
Supermom rushes into the bathroom, ready to
fight the evil bogyman back into the tub! to kill a spider inching towards my son, fangs hanging out!
“What?! Where’s the spider??“
Supermom notices pee on the front of Superkid’s shirt and face. Supermom looks down and sees Superkid with a super boner! Supermom silently prays, not now, not now, not now.
“I peed on myself! Why is my peepee facing up?! Why won’t it go down!! MOOOOOM! AM I DYING?!“
Supermom has to wonder why Superkid decides today is the day to notice this!
“Uh. Well. Um.” Shit shit shit. Recall the books. Recall everything you read to explain this! “Well, little boys sometimes have...”
Supermom heroically explains about erections and that boys get them. Superkid could care less about this. He is more concern about making it go away. Superkid isn’t even embarrassed or in shock!
“How do I make it go away?!“
Supermom’s mind goes blank. Mayday mayday! Quick, think of something. And what does Supermom think of? The scene in Bubbleboy where his mother makes him say the Pledge of Allegiance over and over til his erection disappeared.
“Say the Pledge of Allegiance!“
“Seriously, say it. It will take your mind off of it!“
“I pledge allegiance to the flag…“
AND IT FUCKING WORKED! SUPERMOM HAS MAINTAINED HER SUPERMOM SUPERPOWERS.
Dear God, I hope he doesn’t repeat any of this to his friends at school today.